I've decided that, with the sheer number of people committing acts of unspeakable evil in the name of various gods of goodness and light, it is the duty of the sensible people of the world to be hypocrites in the opposite direction. To that end, as of post time I am officially declaring the foundation of the Antagonistic Order of Prometheus Lucifer--a Satanic cult that commits random acts of kindness while pretending to worship the Prince of Darkness. And I can't stress the pretending part enough. I am not founding a theistic Satanic cult, and perhaps even more importantly I am not founding a douchebag Satanic cult in the mold of LaVey--in fact, I'm going out of my way to do the opposite.
The Antagonistic Order of Prometheus Lucifer has two faces--the first is the serious side. This is an earnest, secular philosophy based on Secular Humanism, Comtean Altruism, Epicureanism, and the dual ideal of Prometheus Lucifer. The second side, however, is to be our public face, and it's just flat-out silly--a parody religion consisting largely of ranting about darkness and insanity, taking heavy metal way too seriously, and pausing occasionally to help kittens out of trees and little old ladies cross the street. Other sanctioned pastimes include baiting conspiracy theorists, showing up at Westboro Baptist Church protests with counterproductive placards ("SATAN SUPPORTS DIVERSITY"), and setting shit on fire. In fact, the most important ritual in the Antagonistic canon shall be the Rite of Setting Shit On Fire. The second most important ritual in the Antagonistic canon shall be the Rite of Putting That Shit Out Before You Burn the House Down.
Now, a bit of serious talk.
My patron--the enlightenment and progression that he represents--uplifted us. He gave us language. He brought us fire. He showed us that running around the savannah in the buff might not be the best idea. Prometheus is the spirit of inspiration; the force that drives us ever forward and lifts us to ever-greater heights of maturity, creativity, and social enlightenment. Lucifer is the spirit of defiance; the force that lets us look at the world around us and see all the myriad ways in which it might be different.
When one has only Prometheus, he has the insight to see the problems of the world, but not the drive and ambition to work to solve them--he makes token acts of altruism, but becomes overwhelmed by the crushing weight of gravity, the social pressures of living a normal life, and the light dies out for want of heat, snuffed out by sheer entropy. Conversely, one who has only Lucifer, and lacks the clarity and insight of Prometheus, becomes unstable--driven to right all wrongs but unable to see their deeper causes, he lashes out at phantoms and sees conspiracies in every shadow, and his heat can do nothing but burn indiscriminately until some kind soul extinguishes it.
Together, however, they show us the world as it is, in all its sprawling imperfection, and empower us to say, "No! I reject this flawed order, and all the ennui and inertia that binds us to it.” We must never accept that 'What Is' and 'What Must Be' are one and the same, and neither can we give up hope for 'What Might Be.' The future belongs to those who claim it, and neither the rock that birthed us nor the meat that imprisons us will halt our ascent.
And now that I'm finished declaiming the glory of Prometheus Lucifer, back to your regularly scheduled nonsense. Effective immediately, today is Zombie Jesus Day--the most feared and harrowing day of our liturgical calendar, when it is said that Yeshua bar Yosef rises from his shallow grave to feast upon our precious gray matter. To guard against his ravenous appetites, the soldiers of Lucifer are commanded to stockpile weapons and food, keep your power tools in tip-top condition, and make sure that as long as you are in your home, something in it is on fire. Zombies are scared of fire. Zombie Jesuses doubly so.
Good luck. Aim for the head. Hail Satan.
